can i escape the nostalgia of everyone i’ve ever known?

Song of da blog >

We’re all collectors of moments, aren’t we? Little fragments of life that cling to a scent, a song, or the feel of that one winter in your bones. I’ve always had this need to tie my memories to something tangible- maybe to anchor myself, or maybe to keep the people and places I’ve loved alive in me. But lately, I’ve been wrestling with the weight of these associations. Are they keeping me grounded, or holding me back? Is it possible to let go of some without losing myself?

This is a shorter piece about exploring that messy in-between: the beauty and ache of memories that stay stitched into our being, and the questions we face when we wonder if they still belong…

But as always, take everything I say with a grain of salt.

AP English class. High school. Little baby Hope who thought she knew everything (lol).

Okay so I had this final assignment I still couldn’t explain the purpose of if I tried… But, my project ended up using songs as reference points for moments in my life so far. I put together a webpage where music played alongside a story I wrote—loosely inspired by the themes and characters tied to those songs (ha, kinda like here). Most of my stories consisted of sitting in the back of my first boyfriend's van, the all-consuming divorce of my family, or wandering around the back roads of Iowa in someone’s car who I should not have been in. I guess what I am trying to convey is that this need I had to anchor specific points in my life to tangible things, seems to grow stronger and stronger as my grasp on life does too. I guess I connect memories to tangible specifics in hopes of solidifying their importance… I realized recently how subconsciously that I do this; especially with people. Losing people is inevitable, but it’s my least favorite part of life.

Because of this, nowadays, I can’t go through a day without thinking of people from my past. I’ve been wondering how normal this is, especially with this whole new wave of cutting people 100% off who wrong you in the smallest way- to… better your life. But then again, this could just be how human brains work so… hmm

Side note: I have such strong issues with this whole cutting-off thing sometimes; just because your friend forgot your birthday does not mean that they’re a horrible person. What if they were going through something that you didn’t even know about? I think we need to all be more kind because you attract what you put out. But anyway, if someone made fun of my cat, I would definitely cut them off, so, as per usual, who am I to say shit… Anyways…

I have a hard time working through if it is just the nostalgia for what they meant to me at the time or if I am trying to keep everyone I’ve ever known at arm’s length in my brain.

Questions that I am pondering right now:

Is there a place for forgetting someone completly?

And if so, are my associations with them causing me harm?

How do I control it?

Do I really need to control it?

Am I just an extreme hoarder of these associations that are holding me back? Or is it a good thing that I cannot tell people I love horror movies without feeling the need to describe my best friend in grade school?

Hmmmmm

As we grow, we take in so much new information that it starts to change the way we experience the world. Sometimes, a scent or a moment can pull me back to an earlier version of myself — quick and vivid, though hard to place. And yet, these connections aren’t always permanent. New associations can take over, which makes me wonder: should I lean into that and let some of the old ones go?

Is there really anything I can do about this? I guess there might be some Pavlov's dog-type shit I can do by retraining my brain to associate each thing with the present moment instead, but then I may have to figure out the economic system for what needs to be replaced…

See like there are totally instances in which these nostalgic feelings should be replaced. I do not want to associate all video games with my father’s inability to grow up. Or red wine with throwing up all over my freshmen dorm bathroom. Or a one peice swimsuit with the instilled fear of God…. I guess even those feel important to who I am as a human, I am causing more stress to myself by my associations of these things.

And don’t even get me started on deja vu (maybe later)

Hmmmmm…

Hope post-discovering alcohol freshman year... of college duh I'm a baby.

(throwing up 3 bottles worth of bagged red wine)

I think these associations I weave often thread themselves into little pockets of pain. Yet, that’s the wonder of being human- to feel so deeply that moments sneak into the marrow of our being, burrowed in corners only certain memories can awaken. They stay, nestled in the fabric of me, because they are me and I love myself, so why would I want to replace that? And, to be fair, I’d say 85% of these associations bloom with joy.

Perhaps the answer to all my wondering is this: if the joyful echoes can settle deeper into my being, softening the edges where the painful ones linger, then I think it is worth letting them be replaced. If I had to choose between associating scents, car types, or even emotions with good or bad memories, I’d choose the good. The tender memories have already shaped me, and I don’t need to keep revisiting them. I’d rather have new associations that bring me peace, letting the positive moments take up more space. The past has made me who I am, but I don’t need to carry it with me constantly.

That's all I got, I think? Hmmm..

Anyways, I hope you have a good day,

-Hope Joy

The brain to the blog <3

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