the energy exchange
music of da blog
-++=- +++=+
This topic has been leaking from my brain slowly down into my fingertips, clogging up my veins with its black, tar-like viscosity (no it is not tobacco,) since I started this blog about a year ago. I feel so passionately and organically and hypocritically about it, that each time I sit down to write it, it drips onto the page in a psych evaluation ink blot fashion… Finally, I am able to see it for what it is- my own choice.
In these 14 (give or take) years of consciousness, I have found that one of the most critical aspects of human life is our consistency of community. We’ve made it the foundation beneath everything we do, steady and constant, even if we don’t always notice it. This community ranges from the family we grow up with — by chance — to those we build bonds with — by choice. And it turns out, this choice is more important than I originally thought.
I was unaware of the privilege I had to choose my community until quite recently- having always just relied on situations that naturally held commonality. A girl on my volleyball team, the boy who understood my stuttering Spanish, and the dozens of friendships that bloomed from shared ground within the realm of adolescence. In my desperation to not be alone, I surrounded myself with people who were like quick fixes, filling the holes in my walls but never really adding to the space- it was more about blending in than genuinely connecting. Now… I want my walls to be filled with art.
Without noticing, the influence of others starts to change the color you see the world.
Have you ever found that when you’re in someone’s company, their way of speaking subtly slips into your own? Or how, after tasting their favorite food just once, it becomes something you crave now too? Or how, without even trying, you end up drifting into someone else’s circle, spending more time with their friends than your own? The influence of people plays a larger role than just in our mannerisms.
Every person is unique in the DNA that makes them up, but at this point, humans start off unoriginal. We collect who we are through the things we experience and enjoy. If we experience people who have a drive for life and hold confidence, then we will, unconsciously, start to mirror them. This occurs within me so often that I have found if I am not actively choosing and aware of the facets in my day-to-day life- then similarity to past pre-established communities- I lose the choice of even getting an opportunity cost (fig tree vibes I guess).
The energy exchange
I used to hang around this person whose view of the world was only comparable to looking into a microscope under fluorescent lighting- it was as if anywhere they stood, each pore of the world was in full view and ready to be picked apart. Now, don’t get me wrong, I get it. The current state of the world allows for no “seeing of the bright side,” in fact, if you can see a bright side in it, you’re fucked in the head. But, their microscope was not used to view only horrible things, but also just normal, everyday things.. And as someone who will categorize trees bursting through the concrete sidewalks of Philadelphia as beautiful.. being around this person drained me. I found my own thoughts losing distinguisation (I know that is not a word but I want it to be) with theirs as I grew tired of countering with optimism.
At first, I assumed that the way I viewed the world was wrong. That it was not normal to peel layers and layers off to search for good. That doom should be accepted in each inhale of this life… but I know now that this is not only the easy way out, but also a more exhausting way to live…
I would also like to note here that I am not off-put by complaining or anger or negativity in general- it is its constant display that makes my heart ache.
Though I came to this realization about this person a little later than I would have liked, it’s allowed me to take a broader look at what I am allowing in my life and, in turn, what I allow to influence me… I noticed that around some people, I’m having to spend my energy counterbalancing their negative comments- almost as if we are canceling each other out. I will sit there, and listen to them speak, and think, and reflect on the world and every point that comes out of their brain triggers a need for my brain to say words equal to or more in positivity. It feels as if I am scooping water out of a sinking boat that isn’t even mine.
I’ve also noticed that negativity often pairs well with close-mindedness. Like someone is so fixed in their own worldview, that they see anything outside of it as an attack rather than just another way to exist. As if my love for summer, for warmth, for the way the world hums with life, is something they need to argue against. It’s not enough for them to simply not feel the same- they need to personally discredit it, as if my joy somehow threatens theirs. If they really cared about me, they would reflect the light in my eyes, instead, they would rather cover it.
“When you criticize something or someone, I can only hear how you would criticize me.”
So what?
I have had- and still have- some truly wonderful people in my life, the kind who don’t just exist alongside me but make this temporary experience of the world feel fuller, richer. They take my worries, my doubts, my spiraling thoughts, and run them through their own filter, handing them back to me softer, easier to hold. And I do the same for them.
So if people like that exist; if I know the joy they bring- then why wouldn’t I be selfish about who I let in? Why wouldn’t I choose the ones who see the world the way I do? The ones who have dreams, who get excited when I get excited, who speak with certainty but carry themselves with kindness. The ones who understand their own emotions instead of lashing out when life doesn’t go their way. Because I’ve learned this- negativity is never just a bad day, never just a moment. It’s a pattern, a choice, a quiet rot that seeps into everything. The energy we allow in shapes and influences us more than we realize. So, I choose to be intentional about who I let in- because the people around me don’t just shape my days, they shape the way I see the world.
That's all I got, I think? Hmmm..
Anyways, I hope you have a good day,
-Hope Joy
The brain to the blog <3
↓↓↓↓
