Chivalry is not dead?????At least temporarily.
Hey you! Please read on a computer, as the layout and experience will be so much better… Muah
And as always, take everything I say with a grain of salt🧂
To celebrate finishing Sex and the City—a show I used to watch while hiding behind the couch during my mom's late-night seshes—I’m diving into a topic that’s been on my mind for a while, whilst also throwing in fun GIFs I find on the internet… enjoy.
Now, I might be a little biased here, but I’ve spent a long time scraping apart (and putting back together) my wee little heart in order to comprehend my own understanding of love and how I show it. And what I’ve discovered is that, for me, love is all-encompassing. When I’m in a relationship, it feels like no one else matters (in a romantic way, of course). And now, with the whole world inside everyone’s pocket, cheating and deception seem more common than ever. Every time someone gets married, you hear that horrid divorce statistic ring in your head, which makes my own style of loving—this fairytale-like, wholehearted way—feel hopeless; maybe even a bit odd. But I want to be clear: I’m not here to judge anyone for how they love (as long as no one is getting hurt.) This post is an exploration of what it means to love deeply, for those of us who sometimes wonder if we might love a little too hard…
A little too hard- meaning the way I love is in a continuous, steady way; sure, there’s the inescapable honeymoon phase, but I find the hangover from the luv bug drug to not be so harsh when you’re grounded in something real- something that doesn’t waver when the initial spark dims. As blessed as I feel to love like I do, trial and error have shown me that it might be a bit too much for some people... I’ve been known to write men love letters, memorize each different face, and learn how each crevice contorts to express a specific feeling… And if you make the mistake of asking me why I love someone, my reply feels second nature- words will gush out of me like a little boy talking about his favorite baseball team. Too easily,
For a fire to stay lit, you need to add wood to it every once in a while; if you leave it unattended, it will either fade out or spread to other means to keep it lit.
I think I smother my fires.
I find myself questioning whether my intensity is sustainable or if I’m just doomed to a life of loving men who will take me on the most romantic motorcycle adventures (see below) and then never speak to me again. Would it be better for me just to search out these little busts of chivalry from men and then leave them before I get disappointed again?
In true Carrie Bradshaw style, this makes me wonder:
Is love bombing the new-aged chivalry? Must things always fizzle out? Am I genuinely too hard to love?
Hope: Hi, my name is Hope and I am addicted to dating apps
Therapy Group: Hi Hope.
Hope: See, I don’t necessarily think that it is a bad thing as I have made a lot of good memories and also had some really good sex and also got to ride around Colorado on the back of a reallyyyy cute boy’s motorcycle!
Therapy Group: ………Oh girl, give us the deets
༶•┈♡POV UR ME SUMMER 21’ ♡┈•༶
20, and portraying a girl with enough money to live in a large house in the mountains of Colorado (when reality I was stocking shelves at a small food store nearby) my life did not seem tangible. My friend had offered me a room in his family home for the summer and I spent every night playing card games with him and smoking way too much weed. I cannot remember how to play this card game, and I will be placing my bet on the cutest horse that this is because of the bong.
During that summer, I decided to place a bandaid of a boy on top of my re-stiched wound, hoping that covering it up would make it heal faster. And, as all manipulatable, self-conscious young adult girls know, having a boy love you is the equivalent of never having another insecurity in your life! So, that was my goal.
By this time, I had perfected my Tinder profile, knowing how much skin to show or not show, how to seem funny but not funnier than the person on the other side of the screen, and how to bring about just enough intrigue that people must know why you are the way you are. This equation got put into my Tinder calculator, and soon, I was head over wheels for a boy on a motorcycle.
Motorcycle boy showed up outside my door, long arm outreached, and at the tip of his finger hung a helmet. He looked me in the eyes, lifted a brow, and said, “Ready?” (fuck) After I got the rundown of the machine, he passed me an old pair of Apple headphones (the kind that makes me think of 2012 Tumblr) and sent me a playlist. “We won’t be able to hear each other anyway, so this is my way of talking to you. (double fuck.)
Throughout that summer, we rode up and down mountains, lay in the grass and looked at stars, walked through bookstores in which he bought me his favorite book (which, motorcycle boy, if you’re reading this, I am sorry but I still have not read it, but I take the book with me everywhere I go in case I ever do,) and shared our past and future lives over bottles of cheap wine that I did not buy with my fake ID.
After the summer was over, I thought I was in love; I wrote him one of my famous letters (if you have read one of these letters, bless you) that have 20 drafts and are a combination of the most perfect words to show I mean business, but I never saw him again after that.
So, I did what any girl would do:
I made some art about him, and moved on.
Now, I realize that chivalry is more out of date than the salad sitting in the back of your fridge that you have not thought about since you bought it three weeks ago (go throw it away girl.) I am talking about a more modern sense of it?? If that possible?? In a way that’s not:
~ big important M’lord need a M’lady so he flaunt his money to her and she is swooned ~
But, more in a way that coincides with the big scary letters below this sentence…
Love. Bombing.
If you are unaware of what love bombing is, please use what I have learned, as an elevator ride up to the 69th “good relationship” floor. Anyway, this is my understanding of love bombing, with some research, of course, as well as some examples that have clearly been made up and are not my friends, or my experiences...
FYI, I will be using the term “he” here (because I am a boring straight girl), but these actions can be performed by anyone!
SoOoooOo…
You’re talking to this guy, and he seems like the bee’s knees: he says all the right things and buys you the most thoughtful gifts. He “loves” your cat and thinks it’s '“cute” when you can’t decide where to eat. Squeal- he’s perfect. So, of course, you get into a relationship with this man whose intense affection and flattery have won you over 10x quicker than he is now responding to your texts. Soon, you find yourself so unsure and unsettled when the attention abruptly fades, and you’re now stuck in something you didn’t think you were signing up for in the first place… That, to me, is what love bombing entails; in my opinion
❤️🔥 Examples ❤️🔥
Love bombing is when he creates a personalized playlist of songs that you would like on your first day of meeting, then makes plans to see you but ghosts you the day of (I am not proud of this one ladies..)
Love bombing is when he buys you flowers frequently for the first couple of months, but then your birthday rolls around, and he hasn’t even got you a gift.
Love bombing isssssss when he excessively complements you even in sweatpants, and then on your 10th date, he makes no mention of your 3-hour hair, makeup, and outfit.
Love bombing is when he wants to hang out with you every day. Until one day, you find yourself being the only one who will make plans.
Love bombing is when he constantly shares your photos and sweet messages on social media, but then he suddenly stops posting about you altogether (while probs simultaneously liking other girls’ photos and sending them weird dms…?) hmm
So, now with all these fun bits and pieces moving around your head, you can take a proper gander at why I, and probably so many others, feel like love is just impossible. So many ulterior motives are at play, ranging from just wanting to get into your pants to a game show that is solely focused on manipulating your emotions… You can maybe see why I am hesitant to love the way I do in a world so overrun with M’lords just looking for the next score…. BUT! That boy. Remember that boy on that motorcycle? I have taken a fine toothcomb to my journal pages about that boy, and I found no ulterior motives. Maybe I did end up scaring him off when I whispered my deepest darkest secrets into his ear… but then again, he whispered his back into mine, so. And a chef made me the best eggs I’ve ever had in my life on my own stove before, so. And a boy used to write me letters, but I did not love him, so. And a boy took me to Paris, so. And a boy cleaned my room for me, so. And. so, I guess chivalry does not have to be dead, maybe redefined, but not dead. Maybe temporary, but not dead.
If he wanted to, he would…
ANYWAYS, I think I am rambling now, and this post has been sitting in my drafts for way too long and, god, there is so much that I want to say in this post but it is getting too broad and my brain hurts, so here is some bs of a conclusion that I will expand on in the future…
My soul-consuming love is a part of me; I will never stop loving the way I love. These little, temporary bursts of love are stepping stones for now, but they give me hope that maybe, just maybe, there will be someone out there who considers intimacy one of the truest forms of human connection the way I do… So I will just keep spreading this crazy, “Iknowwhatyourefeelingbeforeyoufeelitbecauseiamobsessedwithyouandloveyou” love to myself and all those around me until someone becomes fluent in my face too.
But until then I will sign up for a motorcycle riding course :)
Again, sorry this was kinda crazy, but,
I hope you have a good day,
-Hope Joy
The brain to the blog ⇣
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