How I am healing myself

Looking at myself in the mirror, I now meet my reflection with a deeper understanding…

I can imagine some of you, upon reading that line, perhaps rolling your eyes. It's a phrase uttered frequently by me, often with a faint hope, more to persuade myself than anyone else. Yet, I've grown accustomed to self-deception, coaxing my mind into belief. My past has displayed that it hasn't served me well.

This time, though, I assure you, I say it with sincerity (for now).

In the past, I would mentally scan and internalize the personalities of people I admired, filing them away as outlines for my future, much like creating a vision board on Pinterest—except with the people I aspired to be. This became a regular practice, but eventually, it overloaded my brain to the point where I couldn't distinguish between my true self and the ideals I had absorbed. While I fully support the idea of creating and embodying an 'alter ego'—since I believe humans have the right and ability to change — I realized I was doing something entirely different and unsustainable.

Recently, after a breakup (which is a whole other factor I will talk about another day), I felt a strong pull to take a deep look inside myself; I command A-ed all these other people in my brain and dragged them to the trash. I then settled into the quiet sanctuary of my thoughts- my journal opened before me with the company of Adrianne Lenker; I commenced the transformative initial steps of my healing journey, contemplating with sincerity who I wished to manifest. After I wrote down every detail, from the color I paint my nails to the way I compliment strangers on the street, I achieved the simple first step in a daunting yet rewarding evolution.

Pt. 1: My brain

Devoting the past month to nurturing my mind has unveiled deep insights about myself, revealing how much richer life becomes with such focus. It genuinely feels like a fresh pair of eyes for viewing the earth; everything seems open to possibility now. Here’s how I’ve been doing it:

(And by the way, I am not suggesting that you do any of these things, but you’re more than welcome to :)

❶ Plugging my phone in on the other side of the room.

I tried this last week, and oh my god, the difference it made—my brain was no longer overwhelmed with trivialities as soon as I woke up. Before, without fail, my hand would seek out my phone upon waking. It was like starting my day with a dose of social media-induced brain fog, unknowingly setting the tone for the hours ahead. Only when I stopped did I realize how much it affected me.

❷ Breathing.

You’re like, girl, wtf? Of course you’re breathing… No, I mean it in like a ~I have been dissociating a lotta lot recently, and aiming all my brain power to one thing helps it go away~ type of breathing. It’s a tactic that I never believed truly worked until I tried it. And I am not going to say it works every time, but if I find myself getting too comfortable disconnecting with what’s in front of me, then I will count my breaths in 5.

❸ Dreaming

When I was down bad a bit back, I found myself just sitting in my bed watching Sex and the City for 12 hours a day and then sleeping for the rest. My eating schedule was shit, I wasn’t taking my meds, and my cat shit in my shoe because I wasn’t giving her attention. I usually am quite shit to myself when it comes to being productive- if I am not constantly doing something, I feel shit. And, surprise, surprise, while I wasn’t doing anything during this time, I felt like shit.

So, that is when I decided the least I could was to spend time dreaming. It first started with just going on Pinterest and making a board pertaining to things that I wanted for myself. Dreaming is what fixed the spark plug to getting out of bed and focusing on more than Carrie Bradshaw’s love life. The biggest step was when I got out my journal and focused on what the ideal Hope would look like- like I mentioned, I was super descriptive.

I’ve learned that if I am not crystal clear with what I want, I will only get sorta-maybe what I want.

❹ Repeating to myself that people’s thoughts and actions do not pertain to me

This has always been a battle for my mind. My every move is shadowed by the incessant whisper, “What will they think?” This relentless fear often paralyzes me, holding me back from taking any steps forward at all in my dreams… However, having plummeted to a profound low in my psyche, I found that nothing could exacerbate my current state. And, if I wanted to get anywhere in life, then I had to get over this fear of people who I even do not care about, caring about me.

So, here I am writing this blog <3

Pt. 2: My body.

I’ve always thrived on physical activity, with sports woven into the fabric of my life from such a young age, I feel strange when I am idle. But there’s a lot more to that than just working out, I’ve discovered- your body really is a temple, and coming back from my two-week interrail trip across Europe, I had probably done the complete opposite of this notion ( a lot of wine, bread, beer, and pesto was consumed). But I also was hiking, swimming, and walking; the memories were so worth it, but it is time to refocus on nurturing my body.

❶ Lifting Weights

I may not look like it, but I used to be a big ol gym gurly. I’m talking dry scooping pre-workout into my mouth and chasing down with water. I’m talking 200 lbs squat. I’m talking 7 days a week with no rest (I do not recommend this), that’s a lot, I know. 

When I started working my 9-5 in Ireland, I would always go to the gym after work, but I found myself absolutely exhausted from the one-hour commute and never mind the work day itself. I did not have a good balance between work and free time, so I always ended up just doing cardio for an hour—which might be more toxic than going to the gym seven times a week. 

Anyway, when I chose to overhaul my life, I committed to reintegrating weightlifting, but in a healthier manner this time. Not only does it make me look buff asf, but it also promises future mobility and the ability to explore the world. I look forward to the day when I can hike a mountain at age 70, knowing that my commitment to weightlifting today will support my strength and mobility tomorrow.

❷ INTENSIVE intentional Journaling

Journaling and I are like that reliable fling you always come back to during breaks between college semesters. For a few months of your life, you were TOGETHER, but then, the summer ends, and so do you. Does that make sense? Basically, I go through phases of journaling…

Now, don’t get me wrong, when I go through these phases, I FILL up journals, but I would love to do it consistently. So, I’ve been utilizing my journal heavily right now to kind of work through my thoughts and feelings. I’m the type of person to just shove down my feelings and go auto pilot mode in life. Sort of like when you’re a wee bit too stoned to walk down a bunch of stairs, but your muscle memory kicks in, and your body has you covered. That is the most accurate description I can give you of how I was living this past month.

Anyway, it’s been extremely helpful for me to figure things out; I would genuinely suggest it to everyone. 

❸ Nurturing My Exterior

You’re like, okay, hope, what the hell does this mean? I’ll tell you what it means- I’ll also drop some examples because I don’t know how else to explain it.

Nurturing My Exterior: Actually doing the things that I know I should do that will make me feel better.

DISCLAIMER: My exterior nurturing will be completely different from what yours will be. 

I know these are working because on the day(s) that I don’t do them, I do not feel the best. I will say that I still feel very low sometimes no matter if I do these consistently or not, but the low doesn’t get lower than it already is because I am sad at myself for not doing these things (I hope that makes sense!).

Anyway, these are just some things that I’ve been doing recently and maybe(?) they can help you too. Thank you so much for reading this, it was a bit hard to write cause I feel like I’m sort of admitting things to myself that I try not to see as much, but that’s how I know I’m healing:) 

I hope you have a good day,

-Hope