Making a Pinky Promise to Myself: Cultivating Confidence and Courage
I've quit smoking cigarettes more times than I can count, sometimes for a few months and sometimes for a couple of days. What eventually compelled me to quit smoking was the end of another bad habit—my relationship with my ex. Breaking up allowed me to finally cut off the dopamine rush from those nasty yet satisfying cancer sticks that I used to pair with my morning coffee.
Now I am well aware and not completely delusional to be blaming the entirety of my nicotine addiction on one singular boy- but something about our relationship had the joys of a drunk cig on an all-time high. My brain was connecting the honeymoon phase of our love, to us smoking cigarettes together. So, they felt like a small glimpse or even a short escape into that comforting portion of our relationship. Also, it clearly didn’t help that I was living in Europe, and it seems that chain-smoking over coffee there is about as popular as seeing a man with a small penis drive an unreasonable large and loud pickup truck in Iowa.
But in the end, I was left with nothing to truly blame except myself- something I had been pushing off for as long as I could. It seemed that upon arriving in Ireland, I stowed away a part of my self-worth deep in my suitcase, only to uncover it again as I packed to leave- as the foundation that led me to Ireland had crumbled, driving my departure
The plane ride back to America was filled with heartache. Fresh from a breakup and bidding farewell to the life I'd painstakingly crafted over a year, I confronted the daunting reality of returning to a land where the healthcare costs were scarier than getting hurt. I tried to veil my tears from passersby, grappling with the awkwardness of being the girl shedding tears in an airport.
I walked through security and cried.
I found my gate and cried.
I went to the bathroom and cried.
I got on the plane and cried.
Me hiding in the plane bathroom ^^^
Anyway, I guess my point here is that I’ve stopped smoking cigarettes!!!!* And all it took was spending eight long hours rawdogging a flight with only my thoughts (my phone was teetering on the edge of death, and I had to ration every last ounce of juice for my music fix)
Those hours on the plane had me contemplating a lot of things in my life- I mean, everything that I had known had disappeared quite literally out from under me as the plane took off. So, I did what any normal sensitive-to-the-core girly would do... I put on my headphones and threw on the playlist that I had perfectly curated for this exact moment (well knowing that it was full of breakup songs) and got absorbed in reflection.
At first, the thoughts were extremely overwhelming ya know?
Like…
- The 'poor old woman sitting next to me offered up her used hankey type of overwhelming.
- The “holy shit, everything I had mapped out for my future is no longer on the table” overwhelming.
- The “oh my god how will I survive reliving the breakup over and over and over and over again as I recount the tale to every single family member and friend?” type of overwhelming.
But then, my inner economic major seized control, wielding logic to slice through the overwhelming emotions; setting its sights squarely on the target I had avoided for two long years: darts… If I was going to start mending up my life somewhere- this was it.
🚬 🚬 🚬 🚬 🚬 🚬 🚬 🚬 🚬 🚬
See, there have been many times when I would say “I’m going to do this” or “tomorrow I’m starting that.” Half telling the people around me, but only about .2% telling myself. I thought that maybe just maybe if I could tell so and so that I would be quitting smoking next Sunday (after a planned night out of course,) then I would be more likely to do it. However, Sunday would always roll around and I would find myself creeping into the shop and shamefully exchanging my digital money for a box of Marbol Reds. And once I bought the box, I couldn’t let my hard-earned cash go to waste now could I? Oof.
Why couldn't I just commit to it? Why was I constantly lying to not only myself but also the people around me? People who I loved very very much….
After four hours of soaking every inch of my new (used) handkerchief with snot and tears, I think I finally figured it out. See, I had completely lost faith in myself—I had no trust or confidence left whatsoever. Simply because I kept making all of these empty promises to myself… no wonder I had trouble in my relationship with my ex… I was simply a walking empty promise.
I had always failed at quitting smoking because I never truly believed that I could do it. I knew in the back of my mind that I would always find some excuse for me to go back to them. As a result, my confidence had hit its lowest point in years. This was reflected in my struggle to hold myself accountable, in more ways than one, I might add. And though my boyfriend at the time is one of the best people I have ever known, I now realize that my relationship really should have ended way before It had….
So, during a 3-hour layover in Atlanta, I, along with my two oversized winter coats, ventured out to the airport smoking area and smoked my last cigarette. Tears flowed freely, drawing sympathetic glances from passersby, but I didn’t care this time—this was the start of reclaiming my self-assurance. I finally, genuinely believed that I could quit; as this thought started ruminating in my brain I became addicted to the other possibilities this newfound confidence in myself would bring.
"I will not shrink, hide, or change myself to be loved"
〰️
"I will not shrink, hide, or change myself to be loved" 〰️
I would be lying to you and to myself again if I said that I haven’t smoked a cigarette since that day. But, if you have ever been addicted to nicotine you know this is a process; this is the freest I have felt from those cancer sticks in the past 2 years.*
And it feels. so. good.
So if you are having a hard time committing to yourself- you need to first focus on becoming confident in yourself. Life is scary. Change is scary. Working towards your goals and dreams is scary… But nothing changes if nothing changes….
Now how you do it is up to you,
I hope you have a good day,
Hope Joy
